What You’ll Need
- One slightly aged commodore
- One fleet (4 or 5 will do the trick) of US Navy ships
- One working model of a steam locomotive
- A pinch of technology (telescopes and telegraphs make for excellent demonstrations )
- Multiple cases of wine and liquor from the West
- One letter from the U.S president
- Six Bald Eagles or Freedom Chickens
- A generous hand-full of pyrotechnics
- Two dollops of National Pride, one for each respective nation
Mix the commodore, who shares the name of a popular 90’s show actor, with a ship visibly prepared to administer fire-power. Add in a hoard of gifts and put them on a heated island (stove-top) that we will name ‘Japan’. These gifts may include, but are not limited to, a working model of a steam locomotive, a telescope, a telegraph and a variety of wines and liquors from the West.
Add a letter from the U.S president into the mixture, stirring to combine. This document should be addressed to the figurehead ruler of the nation, should one exist (for example should you wish to colonize modern-day England, address the envelope to the Queen), and show your ignorance of the location’s culture and traditions. The letter’s flavor should be reserved yet biting. It should contain a hint of a request for the ‘Japanese’ to protect shipwrecked Americans and the opening of one or more ports to satisfy their potential refueling and provisioning needs.
Optional step two:
For that extra wow-factor, add bald-eagles to the shoulder of the commodore upon exiting the ship to ensure there is no confusion as to which country you and your fleet belong to.
Find and remove the commodore from ‘Japan’ and add it, along with the fleet, to another burner, which, for your sake, we’ll call America. Allow the commodore to simmer for about five years before returning it, along with one treaty and a larger amount of ships, (or the ‘fleet’) than was previously taken out.
Upon the addition of the commodore, the contents of the first pan, or ‘Japan’ will begin to show signs of overheating and pressure. Use this time to add in the treaty and ask ‘Japan’ if it would sign it. Do not be afraid to talk to the inanimate objects you are dealing with, after all, communication is key.
While ‘Japan’ is in a weakened state, use this time to move multiple things from it into ‘America’. Many of the other pans (notably the Netherlands and the Land of the Crumpets) will pick up on the change and do the same thing.
Allow the contents of ‘Japan’ to overheat and catch fire. Do not worry, this is only caused by the pan’s content’s overthrowing of the current most dominant spice, the shogun, and replace it with the former figure-head by the name of Emperor Meiji.The fire will at this point extinguish, although beware as it’s contents will most probably continue to smolder for years afterwards.
The flavor of shame produced by the pan after having had so many of it’s contents removed from it, the new dominant spice will most likely organize themselves and begin to generate a juice called ‘Success.’ This juice’s flavor can be greatly improved by adding the dollop of National Pride, particularly to the newer occupants of the pan.
Once the pride has been added begin removing the traditional warriors of the pan gradually. Start by taking out their weapons, as that will insure the gradual fade-out that is the main objective. Warning, the warriors will most likely start small fires.
Continue to extinguish small flames of rebellion that the warriors start. Do not let your guard down until every last warrior is either removed or converted.
Add universities, railroads, postage systems, telegraphs and textile industries, constantly shaking the pan to allow them to develop into some of the best quality flavors in the world. Continue to displace some of the things on the current burner into other pans, so as to improve the first pan’s economic taste. Increase the amount of food moved at a growing rate until it has risen 45% in just two decades.
Keep a close eye on the other pans as the first one’s contents continue to sizzle and expand.
Dump the’Chinese’ mixture into the first pan.
Empty one of the biggest and strongest pan’s (ex.Russia) into the first pan. Once again a taste-off appears between the pan mentioned in Step fourteen and the first pan which eventually blends into a stove-wide war.
Increase the heat between ‘America’ and ‘Japan’.
Removing it from ‘Japan’, drop a large and explosively flavored hunk of hallowed metal into the closet surface area of ‘America’ resulting in a large splash. This action will lead to another stove-wide battle.
Allow both mixtures to bubble and fizz for approximately four years, as the heat continues to rise. At this time transfer two large, even more explosively flavored hallow metal hunks from ‘America’ to ‘Japan. Two large mushroom clouds will appear above the first pan due to overheating generated by ‘America.’
Stir in two treaties within ten years of each other that restore the former connection both countries experienced.
Watch the stove closely as the first pan’s economic flavor begins to enrich.
Sing the national anthem. Just because you can. And because you just Westernized a nation, successfully, in twenty steps.